In 2023, Friendships are More Important than Ever

Happy New Year! I hope you had a wonderful New Year’s weekend. Margie and I sure did. We spent New Year’s Eve with three of our favorite couples, enjoying a fun evening with lively conversation. We watched the New Year’s celebration from Times Square in New York City live on TV at 9 PM and then, after hugs and well wishes, everyone headed home. We were happy to be able to bring in the new year with good friends.

On Sunday, our pastor spoke on the topic of friendship. He emphasized that besides our family there is nothing more important than good friends, particularly friends who are there for you in good times as well as bad times. To underscore this point, he talked about the classical film It’s a Wonderful Life starring Jimmy Stewart. He plays a character named George Bailey who continually gives up his own plans for the needs of his community of friends. 

So what did Margie and I do Sunday night? We watched It’s a Wonderful Life. What a terrific old black-and-white film, made in 1946. If you haven’t seen it, watch it! Love and friendship are the main themes. George Bailey is always there for others, just like our friends are there for us.

Good friends make tough times bearable and good times better. Life is more meaningful because of the people we share it with, day in and day out. In fact, friendships are known to have a positive impact on our general health and wellbeing.

This got me thinking about how much the pandemic has interfered with travel, togetherness, and personal connection over the past three years. I’m sure many friendships have faded into the background during this stressful time. So let’s start the new year on a great note. Make a list of what you want to accomplish by the end of 2023 and include a commitment to getting back in touch with some of your old friends. I encourage you to celebrate these important relationships in whatever way works for you.

When I think of friendships, I think about my college days at Cornell. We have a group of couples—there are 12 or 14 of us—that we have kept in contact with since we first met in college. That’s more than six decades! We have a wonderful time staying in touch. We’ve been Zooming together since Covid started. I met one of the guys, Bob Lurcott, in fifth grade and he was best man at our wedding in 1962!

Here’s another way we connect with friends. When Margie and I get ready to send out Christmas cards each December, she creates a letter that summarizes the highs and lows of our year. We send our Christmas card and letter to over 300 family members and friends, and I write a personal note on each letter to let people know I’m thinking about them. As I’m working my way through our cards, I often run across names of friends I haven’t been in contact with for a while and I give them a call right then and there. It’s always fun to surprise them and catch up.

You say reaching out to people doesn’t come naturally to you? I say jump out of your comfort zone and call that friend you are thinking about. I do this a lot—and most of the time, people seem happy to hear from me. I’ll bet your old friends will be happy to hear from you, too.

Of course our families are precious. But the icing on the cake of life is friendships—old and new. Our friends make us who we are. Don’t forget to stay in touch with them. Continue to reach out and invite your friends to be part of your life in 2023. You’ll never regret it!

The Power of Gratitude

This week the United States will be celebrating Thanksgiving Day, a holiday that’s set aside to count our blessings. There’s usually a big meal, visits from family, and special shows on television. But with COVID still floating around, inflation, financial stress, and political discord, it might be hard for some people to feel grateful this year.

I encourage you to feel grateful anyway. Why? Because oddly enough, the less grateful we feel, the more we’ll benefit from practicing gratitude.

A study conducted by the University of Southern California found a connection between gratitude and areas of the brain associated with stress reduction. Other studies have found a direct link between the practice of gratitude and increased optimism and better mental health.

If you’re new to practicing gratitude, start by giving thanks for the things you’ve been taking for granted, like air to breathe and clean water to drink.

Next, take a moment to express gratitude for the strengths you’ve been given.

Finally, think about the people who make a difference in your life. Express your gratitude for them—maybe even by picking up the phone and giving them a call.

My old friend, Zig Ziglar, used to say that “Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for!”

I’d like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all my readers for your interest in my work. I’m grateful for you! I wish every one of you a wonderful Thanksgiving. No matter how you decide to spend the holiday this year, remember to take a few moments to practice gratitude. You’ll be grateful you did!

Quiet Quitting and the Servant Leader

Let’s face it—over the past couple of years, life at home and at work has become more difficult for just about everyone. I’ve always been a great advocate of positive thinking, and I still am. But I know it’s not always easy to keep your head up when going through tough times.

We’ve been reading a lot about a trend called “quiet quitting.” It’s when people feel so overworked, overwhelmed, and stressed that they make a conscious decision to do the bare minimum on the job. They stop doing things like working on tasks outside of their job description or volunteering for work teams or committees. They come to work every day, do their job as assigned, and go home. They are hurting—and they hope quiet quitting is a way for them to avoid burnout and still keep their job.

As a servant leader, you are there to serve your people, develop them, and bring out the best in them. It’s important for you to say and do the right things—but if people don’t believe you truly care about them, you won’t earn their trust. When you become aware that someone is troubled, schedule a one-on-one meeting and show them you care by asking them what they need, listening to the answers, and working together on a solution. If your company has an Employee Assistance Program, have your HR department send out reminders letting people know how they can take advantage of that benefit. 

Leadership is a matter of the heart. Pay attention to your team members. If you notice anyone exhibiting uncharacteristically negative behavior or seeming unusually tired or withdrawn, let them know you have their best interests at heart by reaching out to help. As a trusted servant leader, when you establish a sincere, caring environment through your words and actions, you can be assured your people will remember the way you made them feel.

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” (Maya Angelou) is Simple Truth #36 in Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, my new book with Randy Conley. It’s on sale now at your favorite bookstore or online retailer. Download an eBook summary for a preview here!

Leaders: Stop Treating Everybody the Same

Every great leader strives to treat their people fairly and equitably. But leaders who think that means they need to treat all their people the same are doing their people a disservice. One of the most unfair things a leader can do is give everybody the same broad-brush treatment.

If you’re thinking, “I have to use the same leadership style with everyone or it will look like I am playing favorites,” remember that each person is skilled in different areas and at different levels. Brad may be an ace at creating graphs and managing data on spreadsheets and Ginger may be highly skilled in designing online presentations. Although you would be able to delegate a spreadsheet task to Brad, Ginger would need to start with specific direction on how to create a spreadsheet. And Brad would need to begin at square one with presentation software while Ginger would be able to sail through a design project on her own.

Let’s look at this topic situationally using our SLII® leadership training model.

Every person is at a specific development level (amount of both competence and commitment) on each task or goal they are pursuing. For example, a professional editor (let’s call him JT) with 20 years of experience is what we call a self-reliant achiever—the highest development level (D4)—at editing. JT has internal clients who send him documents to edit but he needs almost no direction or support to do the job well.

Now let’s say JT decides he really wants to learn to play guitar. When he begins working toward this goal, he is initially at the lowest development level (D1—enthusiastic beginner) at playing guitar. He is excited about learning but has no idea what he is doing. He needs specific direction (S1) from his instructor on every aspect of playing, starting with how to hold the instrument and position his hands.

After a short time of learning and practicing, JT is discouraged. His fingertips are sore and he can’t get the rhythm of strumming. He thought playing guitar would be easy and fun, but it’s not. JT is now at the development stage we call disillusioned learner (D2). He needs direction as well as coaching (S2) from his instructor to help him power through this stage.

Fortunately, JT doesn’t give up. With continued instruction, he slowly gains confidence and becomes a capable, but cautious, contributor (D3). He is still learning, but he knows how to play guitar competently and enjoys practicing and challenging himself. He continues to get support (S3) and encouragement from his instructor but needs only occasional direction.

After months of continuous practice, a bit more instruction, and some performing in front of friends and family, JT has reached D4 as a guitar player. He is confident in his skill and proud of his accomplishment. He will still keep his day job as an editor, but has developed his original spark of interest into an enjoyable pastime. JT’s instructor knew how to set him up for success by using different leadership styles—specific amounts of direction and support—depending on JT’s level of expertise at the task at hand.

As you can see, even though someone is a seasoned expert (D4) at one task, they can be a beginner (D1) at another. The concepts of SLII® can be applied to relationships at work, at home, and in the community by leaders, parents, partners, teachers, coaches—anyone who wants to help others accomplish goals.

Most likely, each of your direct reports has areas where you can simply delegate to them—and they also have new tasks or goals where they need your specific direction. Let your people know you care about helping them develop their skills. Work with them to diagnose their development level on each of their tasks, and flex your leadership style to match by giving them the amount of direction and support they need to accomplish their goals. Your people, your organization, and your leadership will be all the better for it! “There’s nothing so unequal as the equal treatment of unequals” is Simple Truth #40 in Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, my new book with Randy Conley. It’s on sale now at your favorite bookstore or online retailer. Download an eBook summary for a preview here!

Let People Know You Care by Asking Them to Stay

You’ve probably heard the recently coined term Great Resignation. It refers to how a record number of people around the world have voluntarily left their jobs since early 2020—the beginning of the pandemic. At last report, the movement is still going strong.

Many of these folks are looking for more than just a paycheck. They want authentic leaders who care about them—leaders who want to know what they think and what they need to do their best work. These people want to be included in decisions and to feel they are contributing to the greater good.

The Great Resignation has been a huge wake-up call for a lot of organizations with leaders who had no idea their people felt this way. Why didn’t they know? Because it never occurred to them to ask about people’s wants, needs, thoughts, or ideas until after their best people were gone. These employers are still running around trying to find the magic key that not only will stop the flow of people leaving but also attract and retain promising new hires.

Have the Conversations

If you really want to know what your people are thinking, schedule one-on-one conversations and follow this three-step process.

First step: Ask them what they think. Whether face to face or virtual, ask your team members questions such as how they feel about their job, what their thoughts are about new company initiatives or upcoming changes, or what they might need from you in terms of support to help them achieve their goals. This conversation is about what you can do for them, not what they can do for you.

These are crazy times. Your people need to know that you care about them and about what they think. When you ask them for their thoughts, they feel like their opinion matters.

Second step: Listen carefully to the answers. When you take the first step of asking people what they think, you have committed yourself to the second step: listening carefully to their answers and considering them. Don’t hesitate to ask other questions that may come to mind, including “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How would that work?” Take detailed notes—you may need them for the next step.

Remember to thank people after you hear their thoughts and ideas. The more open you are to listening to them, the more you will gain their trust and encourage them to keep sharing.

Third step: Consider what you’ve heard—and follow up.

Depending on what questions you asked and what answers you received, take action as needed. For example:

  • If the person has ideas or suggestions that are legitimate and that you believe may appeal to managers in other departments or higher level leaders, take steps in that direction. Be ready to encourage your team member and even to partner with them to help promote their suggestions.
  • If the person reveals that they are considering taking another job or even leaving the company without having a different job lined up, immediately schedule another meeting with them for a stay conversation.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard, our company’s Chief Coaching Architect, wrote about stay conversations in a recent blog post on this topic. In it, she says: “If employees don’t see and hear evidence that their boss and their company value them and want them to stay with the organization, they will assume their leaving won’t be a problem for anyone. This is just human nature: in the absence of information, people will make things up.”

The higher some leaders move in an organization, they more they think all the brains are in their office. You already know that’s not true. If your people believe you have their best interests in mind, they have every reason to give you their trust, loyalty, and best efforts. You may never know how many people you may influence to stay with your organization. And you may never know what future initiatives may begin with these four little words: “What do you think?”

“People Don’t Care How Much You Know Until They Know How Much You Care” is Simple Truth #35 in Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, my new book with Randy Conley. It’s on sale now at your favorite bookstore or online retailer. Download an eBook summary for a preview here!