There is a Positive Psychology course that Margie and I have been taking that is really interesting. We ran into a guy named Nathaniel Branden, who wrote about the six pillars of self-confidence. His big theme is nobody’s coming. If you are thinking about someone who is going to get you out of a situation, and you’re waiting for them to take all the action, the reality is that people can do things, but nobody is really coming. What are you going to do? One thing that’s interesting is the difference between passive victims—people who are in a situation and immediately go to self-pity—“This is really tough.” Then they want to point fingers and blame other people. This leads to frustration, and eventually anger, and things kind of spiral down that way. This is the passive victim that somehow thinks their fate is in somebody else’s hands, versus the active agent who takes action—“Okay, this is tough, but what am I going to do? What can I do in my area? What ideas do I have?” They are willing to take responsibility, which is being able to respond, and give suggestions that will help. They have a feeling of confidence—“Somehow we’re going to make it through this thing together.” This leads to hope and optimism. We all need to take action—what can we do to help? Let’s work on responsibility. I have confidence and hope. What is it that makes some people be able to pull out of tough times? It’s all about resiliency. So remember—we’re all responsible somewhat for the condition we’re in. So be an active agent, not a passive victim. Life is a very special occasion. Don’t miss it with a lot of negative energy.
Communication
Leadership as an Influence Process
Occasionally Margie and I lead a couples’ workshop that lasts a day and a half. It’s really interesting—you might say, “What does leadership training have to do with couples in a marriage relationship?” It is such a powerful thing, we found out, because as a lot of you know, we define leadership as an influence process. Anytime you’re trying to influence the thinking, beliefs, or development of another person, you are engaging in leadership. When you ask people about the most influential people in their lives, they don’t normally mention bosses at work. They talk about their mother, father, grandfather, uncle, or a coach or teacher. There is a lot of life role leadership that goes on, informally, in families and in friendships and all. Leadership in the home is life role leadership. It’s probably the most important leadership role you could ever have.
In our work, you know we say that leadership is a transformational journey starting with self leadership, then moving to one-on-one leadership, then to team leadership, and then to organizational leadership. And as we look at families, it becomes really clear that self leadership really starts with just finding out who you are and whose you are, and getting perspective on your life. Then you move to a marriage relationship, and that’s when you’re trying to influence each other, one on one. Then when kids come along—now we’re talking about team leadership. How do you build a community? How do you get people to recognize that none of us is as smart as all of us, and really create that team environment? And then the organizational leadership of a family would be the extended family. What do you do with your in-laws and outlaws and cousins and that whole thing? That’s something most people don’t think about as a leadership position, and yet in a family, it’s a whole different element. So it’s kind of fascinating. Through our training we realize that these concepts apply at home as much as they do in business. So learning how to be a good leader is good for everyone.
Servant Leadership
It’s so interesting, chatting with people about what it means to really be a servant leader, and how much that’s needed everywhere. Why do we get off track? I think it gets back to the ego. You know, where you get false pride and you start thinking more of yourself than you should, and you’re kind of pushing and shoving for your own interests. How do people with false pride and that whole “It’s all about me” thing get away with it? Well, it’s another ego group that permits it to happen. That’s the group of self doubt—the people who fear. They think less of themselves than they should. They’re trying to protect themselves; they don’t want to speak out. What happens in a lot of organizations where you have self-serving leaders is that you get a lot of people who “quit and stay.” You have a whole bunch of people who are afraid to speak up and say something when people seem to be operating all on self interest. So the other self interest is to protect yourself so you can have a job tomorrow. So how do we get people to really lead at a higher level? You have to constantly look inside yourself. Why are we leading? What are we doing to bring out the magnificence in the people around us? How do we avoid that ego thing that’s there every day to trap us? Remember that you’re here to serve, not to be served. On a day that honors a very important servant leader, it’s a big, big thing to remember.
Giving Thanks
You know, not long ago I woke up and I had a little “pity party.” I was kind of feeling bad. I had been traveling a lot, and that day I was flying out of state to do something I had agreed to do over a year earlier. And I was thinking, “Wow, I’ve had enough of travel.” I’d just as soon have stayed home with Margie and our dog Joy and gone up to the office and hugged everybody. So I was having a pretty good pity party. And then I just kind of backed off. I read my mission statement and my obituary and my values—and I realized that there must be some reason I was going there. Maybe somebody really needed the message I was going to bring; maybe somebody really needed something I could help them with. You know, if you’re going to make the word a better place, you do it by the moment-to-moment decisions you make as you interact with other people. So I just kind of pumped myself up and said, “Okay, Blanchard, you’re here to make the world a little bit better, so stop with the pity party. You’ve just got another new audience—a new group of people.” And maybe, just maybe, I did make a little bit of a difference in someone’s life.
So if you ever have those feelings, you know—“Monday, oh my God. I’ve got to go back to work,” or whatever—the reality is that we’re really wonderfully blessed. We have to keep on reminding ourselves when we get into our pity party to just get up. Because somebody always has it worse than we have it. Somebody has some problems and maybe we can help—whether it be a customer or coworker, family member, or friend. So no more pity parties. Although it is good to recognize that we can all fall into that mood, the way out, especially this week, is positive thinking, giving thanks for what you do have, and realizing that we are really here to make a difference.
Keep Up
One thought we have to keep at the top of mind is we are going to make it through this challenging time, and we’re going to do it together. We are. And we can’t get discouraged. We’re figuring this out together. Positive thinkers are winners. Why? Because they get positive results. And we’re going to get those. It’s going to be a story. It’s going to be a celebration. So don’t get down—keep up. We’re doing it all the time. You have a great, positive day, and remember we can do everything together. Remember that quote, “None of us is as smart as all of us.”
How We Lead 