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Jim Steffen was a graduate student of ours at U. Mass. He wrote a book called Aligned Thinking and has been helping us work through some of his way of thinking. The most important concept Jim talks about is MIN—which is “Most Important Now.” He says that the way you really enjoy life the most is to decide: What am I going to do right now? What is this hour about? How can I focus my energy so what I’m doing right now is the most important thing I can do, so I’m not in the midst of one thing and thinking about doing something else? You know, my mind is all over the place. I know a lot of us like to multitask and all those kinds of things. But it’s great if you can get in the MIN attitude and think, okay, I’m going into this particular meeting. Where does this fit into my life? What am I trying to do? How can I get into the mindset that this is the most important moment right now, and really focus in on it? It’s the same way with people. Try to just focus in on people for three or four minutes and just be there for them. This is the most important thing right now – this is a MIN relationship. So what I’m trying to do, first thing in the morning, is to look at the day and see how I can plan what I’m supposed to be doing and how I can get my mind set on the most important thing I ought to do. It’s a wonderful little concept and thought about focus in life. So I thought I’d throw it out for you today.
Have you ever noticed how you can look forward to something for so long, and then all of a sudden it’s upon you, and then it’s gone? I think that should teach us that life is to be lived one day at a time, and in the present. My friend Spencer Johnson had a great message years ago in his book The Precious Present. He said that we need to learn from the past, but not live there. Plan the future, but don’t live there. Because we are at our happiest when we’re living life in the present – one day at a time. So if you look forward to something for a long time, and then it’s gone, now you’re back to your regular life – what are you going to do about that? It’s interesting and powerful to recognize that life should be lived in the present. Time flies. We’re here for such a short period of time. So enjoy every single day. And reach out and tell someone you love them and you care about them, because when all is said and done, as I’ve said many times, the only thing that counts is who you love and who loves you.
I’ve written previously about Charles Handy, a friend of mine who’s a great management thinker from England. During one of his presentations he said, “Most of you are not going to remember much what I say in this session, but I will remember everything. The person who learns the most is the one who speaks the most.” I think that’s really a powerful thing. In the course that Margie and I teach for the Master of Science in Executive Leadership program at USD, sometimes there’s a complaint that they would love to hear more from us and our thinking. We try to integrate some of that, but the course is really about the students and their thinking and their learning to communicate their leadership point of view. It’s really so reinforcing to watch people where the real learning is happening. Because they are doing the talking. Very often we get fascinated by our own words; even as we try to teach our kids and other people things we think they ought to learn. If we realized that if we listen more than we speak, probably more learning would take place in the person we are trying to teach. Ha! That’s kind of a relearning for today—the person who speaks the most probably learns the most. The rest are going to forget what you have to say anyway. So let other people speak up. Facilitate their thinking through issues. Don’t always be the problem solver. Have a wonderful day. Life is a very special occasion when you let other people speak.
Occasionally Margie and I lead a couples’ workshop that lasts a day and a half. It’s really interesting—you might say, “What does leadership training have to do with couples in a marriage relationship?” It is such a powerful thing, we found out, because as a lot of you know, we define leadership as an influence process. Anytime you’re trying to influence the thinking, beliefs, or development of another person, you are engaging in leadership. When you ask people about the most influential people in their lives, they don’t normally mention bosses at work. They talk about their mother, father, grandfather, uncle, or a coach or teacher. There is a lot of life role leadership that goes on, informally, in families and in friendships and all. Leadership in the home is life role leadership. It’s probably the most important leadership role you could ever have.
In our work, you know we say that leadership is a transformational journey starting with self leadership, then moving to one-on-one leadership, then to team leadership, and then to organizational leadership. And as we look at families, it becomes really clear that self leadership really starts with just finding out who you are and whose you are, and getting perspective on your life. Then you move to a marriage relationship, and that’s when you’re trying to influence each other, one on one. Then when kids come along—now we’re talking about team leadership. How do you build a community? How do you get people to recognize that none of us is as smart as all of us, and really create that team environment? And then the organizational leadership of a family would be the extended family. What do you do with your in-laws and outlaws and cousins and that whole thing? That’s something most people don’t think about as a leadership position, and yet in a family, it’s a whole different element. So it’s kind of fascinating. Through our training we realize that these concepts apply at home as much as they do in business. So learning how to be a good leader is good for everyone.
I have been thinking about how important it is to be caught doing things right. Some people think you have to be careful; you don’t want to praise people too much, because they’re going to get a big head. People don’t get a big head by getting caught doing things right. People get false pride and big heads because they’re not praised enough. And they start to crave it, and they need it, and they start to push and shove for credit. When I was a kid, I was so fortunate, no matter what I did there was always somebody there—my mom or dad or my sister—to give me an “attaboy” and tell me that I did great. I think one of the reasons why I’m able to keep things in perspective, if I happen to achieve anything, and laugh about it, is because I’ve been told I’m okay all of my life. So I don’t really need or crave it or need to push or shove for it. So I just wanted to say to you how important, again, it is to help people who are important in your life and give them an “attaboy” or “attagirl” and tell them that you love them and you care about them. Because what really makes people feel good in the long run is the belief about that. False pride comes when nobody pays any attention to you and you start to wonder if you’re okay. Everybody needs that pat on the back once in a while.
Do you know someone who is an energizer? When somebody is an energizer, when they come in the room, energy starts to increase. People’s energy picks up. Do you know other people who, when they come in, the energy just gets sucked out of the room? Ha! You know, there are people like that. Things just seem down when they come around. And those are the kind of people that you should be nice to, and love them, but don’t hang around them. The question is: Are you an energizer? Does people’s energy increase when you’re with them? When you come home, does the energy pick up or are you the wet blanket that just slinks in? I think it’s so important that you be an energizer and you gather people around you who pick up your energy. Because what really makes organizations great, and families great, is positive energy. And it takes energizers around people to make the energy come out in them, too. So that’s my message today. Be an energizer. When you come in a room, light it up! Make something happen. You don’t have to be an extrovert to do that. Just by your interest and your energy in terms of what you do can make a difference, people can see that, even if you aren’t being Mr. or Ms. Exuberant. Life is about positive energy. So energize people! Energize yourself!
Listen to this definition of excellence: Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible. I just think that is a really interesting thing - think about yourself and how you are doing in a caring scale, how you are doing in the risking scale, how you are doing in the dreaming scale, and how you are doing on the expecting scale. I really think that’s a wonderful definition of excellence. Be excellent today – care, risk, and dream and expect big.
Speaking of excellence… At the University of San Diego, my wife Margie and I teach a course as part of the Master of Science in Executive Leadership program. Our course is “Determining Your Leadership Point of View.” Your leadership point of view is really figuring out who you are as a leader, and sharing it.
There are seven aspects of it:
- Who are the role models you had early in life that impacted your belief about leadership? Most people don’t talk about bosses; they talk about their mother or father, uncle or cousin, teacher or coach—what we call “lifelong leaders.”
- What’s your mission in life? What are you trying to accomplish?
- What are your values – what’s going to guide your behavior?
- Based on those three things, what’s your leadership point of view—what are your beliefs about leading and motivating people?
- What are your expectations of others?
- What do your people expect of you?
- How are you going to walk your talk? How are you going to model what you say you stand for?
It’s a fascinating process. We discuss this in Chapter 15 of Leading at a Higher Level. So if you want to find out more about that, get a copy of that book and read that chapter. If any of you haven’t developed a leadership point of view, I would like to challenge you to develop it. Then sometime, maybe in the first part of next year, sit down with your people and share your leadership point of view with them. Because it really does clarify expectations and who you are. It’s not about weakness; it’s about sharing who you are so other people can share who they are with you. It’s a wonderful process. And remember, it’s not just supervisors that should have a leadership point of view—all of you are leaders in some aspect of your life. You’re a leader as a spouse, as a father or mother, or as a volunteer. Anytime you try to influence the behavior of someone else, you’re engaging in leadership. Where did you get your image of leadership? I challenge everybody to develop and be able to share their leadership point of view.
The other day, I had a really interesting conversation. I spent time with Robert Strock, who is an incredible psychiatrist, and my friend Phil Hodges. One of the things we talked about that was fascinating was the theory that anger really comes from hidden sadness. If somebody is upset with you, rather than coming back with anger and being upset as well, try this: Quiet yourself, get out your servant heart, and see if you can find out what’s really causing that energy. It’s like peeling back an onion.
So this holiday season, with everybody running around and getting stressed, if somebody gets upset, just quiet yourself and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Just be there for the person and really try to find out where the sadness is coming from. Life is really very interesting if we really take time to get to know each other and be with each other. So hug somebody this weekend and tell them you love them. Take care, and have a Merry Christmas!
You know, one of the things that bugs me is how much the press goes too far in trying to catch people doing things wrong and find out where they stumbled, where they’ve made mistakes. It seems to be relevant now with the Tiger Woods saga, but this “gotcha” mentality is something that has been going on for a long time. It doesn’t matter what position, what office, what they’re trying to do. They love to make sure they can dig somebody a hole and try to push them into it.
I heard a great quote the other day that originally came from Teddy Roosevelt. He said, “It is not the critic who counts; not the person who points out how strong people stumble, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”
So it’s really tough. Like I say, if you’ve never made a mistake in your life or done anything stupid, then you probably lie about other things, too. The important thing is not doing a stupid thing, but realize when you’ve done it and own up to it, give an apology, and move on. I think it would be really good if we could spend more time catching people doing things right rather than wrong. So take care of yourselves. You might make a mistake, but give it your best.
I’ve always enjoyed and promoted the concept of “Catching People Doing Things Right,” and over at LeaderChat.org they are running a new Twitter contest…
Starting on Tuesday and lasting for 72-hours, The Ken Blanchard Companies will give you a chance to “catch someone doing things right” by entering that person in a drawing for a copy of one of my latest books. The book will contain a personalized inscription congratulating the winner on being caught doing things right. The contest ends on Friday at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time and you can enter as many people as you would like. Here’s how to participate:
1. Go to www.Twitter.com and post the name of the person you would like to catch doing things right along with a very short description of why. Include the following code in your message @leaderchat
For example: Nick Peterson—for doing an outstanding job all year and helping to make this our best year ever! #@leaderchat
2. Push the UPDATE button!
It’s as simple as that. Every day between now and Friday we’ll randomly choose one lucky person among those entered to receive one of the personalized books. Each day’s winner will be posted at 10:00 a.m. Pacific Time at www.leaderchat.org
Don’t miss this chance to say “thank you” to someone who really deserves it. Participating is a fun, low-cost, and very thoughtful way to let someone know that you appreciate them!
PS: If you don’t have a Twitter account yet, you can sign up at Twitter when you get there. Just follow the instructions and you’ll be online in minutes.
You know, at this time of year you can really get yourself hassled. You know, running around, making sure you have every present bought and everything done and all that. And life can be a burden rather than a joy. This is supposed to be the season of joy and love, not of burden and hassle and all those kinds of things. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want to get things done and cross things off your list, but don’t make “list accomplishment” the goal of this holiday season. Make LOVE the goal of this holiday. If you couldn’t find the right present for someone – maybe you should sit down and write that person a note about how much you care about them and that you’ll send them something after the holidays. Stress is a major problem this time of year because people have so many “to do” lists. They forget why they’re doing it and get too much into the doing. Too often this time of year we’re human doings rather than human beings. I just wanted to check for you, as well as myself as I run around and try to get things done at the end of the year, that I’m a human being, not a human doing. So reach out to anybody you talk to and wish them the greatest holiday, the greatest the greatest New Year, and just tell them you care about them. Maybe that’s what you ought to do. What I like to do this time of year, too, is to go through my phone list and call people I haven’t talked to in a while, and just tell them I care about them. What can you do to make this a joyous time, rather than a hassled time? Remember, life is a very special occasion if you keep things in perspective.
