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Charles Handy is an Irish writer and good friend who looks at himself as a “social philosopher.” He has written wonderful things on leadership and organizations. My wife Margie and I had dinner with him and his wife Elizabeth recently. They do something very interesting—they help people decide who they are and where they are going in life, and they put it into photographs. One of the processes was interesting and I would love you all to think about it: What three roles do you have in life? One could be as a father or mother, one could be a salesperson, or a golfer, or whatever—I don’t know. And if you were going to design a picture, where would you place those roles in the room? What would be in the front of the picture, what would be in the middle, and what would be in the back? How you arrange these roles in the picture is really how you are rank-ordering them in your life. Then stop and really take a look at your present life and what you are spending your time on. Some people might put their role as a parent up front, and yet they are really not spending the time they should on that. One man had his role as an executive way in the back of his photo, and he had being a writer and a poet in the front. After he looked at it, he ended up quitting his job and concentrating on what he said he really loved to do—write poetry and also be with his family. So it’s interesting. What three roles do you have and where would you want to put them in a picture? I’m going to think about mine and I would love for you to think about your own.
You know, not long ago I woke up and I had a little “pity party.” I was kind of feeling bad. I had been traveling a lot, and that day I was flying out of state to do something I had agreed to do over a year earlier. And I was thinking, “Wow, I’ve had enough of travel.” I’d just as soon have stayed home with Margie and our dog Joy and gone up to the office and hugged everybody. So I was having a pretty good pity party. And then I just kind of backed off. I read my mission statement and my obituary and my values—and I realized that there must be some reason I was going there. Maybe somebody really needed the message I was going to bring; maybe somebody really needed something I could help them with. You know, if you’re going to make the word a better place, you do it by the moment-to-moment decisions you make as you interact with other people. So I just kind of pumped myself up and said, “Okay, Blanchard, you’re here to make the world a little bit better, so stop with the pity party. You’ve just got another new audience—a new group of people.” And maybe, just maybe, I did make a little bit of a difference in someone’s life.
So if you ever have those feelings, you know—“Monday, oh my God. I’ve got to go back to work,” or whatever—the reality is that we’re really wonderfully blessed. We have to keep on reminding ourselves when we get into our pity party to just get up. Because somebody always has it worse than we have it. Somebody has some problems and maybe we can help—whether it be a customer or coworker, family member, or friend. So no more pity parties. Although it is good to recognize that we can all fall into that mood, the way out, especially this week, is positive thinking, giving thanks for what you do have, and realizing that we are really here to make a difference.
The point I want to make today is to cherish and celebrate wonderful times when you can get together with your family and loved ones. And if you can build some traditions like we have built at our lake house, that’s a wonderful thing too, where people always come back for a period of time in the summer. It makes it really special. So cherish it, but also celebrate it and recognize that life is good after you spend time together. Life is good every day if you have the right attitude. Go around and hug people who are important in your life; tell them you love them. Tell them you care about them. Because you know what? It will make them feel good, and you, too. Because when all is said and done, all we have in life is who we love and who loves us.
Have you seen the moon recently? It was absolutely incredible. And last night when the sun was about to set, we went out on the deck and watched the sun set. It was just unbelievable. I was just struck by all the fabulous things that are free—Looking at the moon at night, a sunset, going over to the beach and sitting and watching the waves, or sitting down and enjoying the view of the mountains and hills, or walking through the woods and enjoying the flowers. Hearing the cry of a newborn baby—just wonderful, wonderful things that really are free.
Rabbi Kushner, who wrote When Bad Things Happen to Good People, wrote a wonderful book called Why God? In that book he tells about, when the first astronaut went up, everybody in the country had their TV on and was watching. And when the second astronaut went up, you watched if you were home but you didn’t if you weren’t. And with the third, they had him play golf on the moon for anybody to pay attention. He said that we get tired of things made by man, but we never get tired of a babbling brook, a sunset, or those kinds of things. So next weekend, no matter what’s happening around you, you can always take a walk and look at the beauty of nature, and know that things are all right in that realm and they are free for all of us.
A couple of weeks ago I ran into a guy by the name of Stan Parker. An interesting guy. He has a new little tiny book called Smile and Move: A Reminder to Happily Serve. Here’s what he says:
How to smile: Wake up. Show others you care by giving attention to their needs. Be thankful. The opportunity to serve is a gift, not an entitlement. Be approachable. We’re at each other’s service and contact is where it starts. Complain less. We have work to do. Smile. Really. It’s where pleasantness begins.
How to move: Start early and go long. Get lost in your service to others. Exceed expectations. Dismiss mediocrity. Expect more from yourself. Have a sense of urgency. Predict and pre-sweat the details for others. Be resourceful and resilient. Service is about giving someone what they need, no matter what.
So I kind of like that: A Reminder to Happily Serve. And I love the quote he has in the back from Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Write it in your heart that every day is the best day of the year.” I hope you’re having a really fabulous day. Thanks for being happy. It’s a special occasion.
Laura Berman Fortgang, a friend of my son Scott and his wife Madeleine, wrote a book recently called The Little Book of Meaning that really made me think. I think it’s really an interesting topic, because I think one of the gnawing questions people have is: What’s the meaning of life? What’s our reason for being here? I think it’s so important that we not just go through the motions in life. You know—you come to work, you do your job, you go home, you do this and you do that. Where do you make the difference? What is meaning for you? In my opinion, it’s all tied into relationships—relationships with yourself, with others, and with something greater than yourself. And I think we can create meaning for ourselves. We can create it by the attitudes we bring and the desire to have meaning in our life. If you feel like you’re getting hum-drummy about life, step back and quiet yourself and say, “Why am I doing this? What is the meaning of this? Why am I here?” Just raising these questions will enlighten you and lift you up to a different level. So keep asking the questions around meaning—because we all have a real purpose. Don’t forget it.
In my weekly men’s group we recently were studying anger. Anger is a really interesting thing, you know. I think we can all get angry for a cause—you know, something that upsets us. But the really interesting question is: How do you express your anger? Do you attack other people? Are you completely out of control?
One of my beliefs that I know you all have heard is that one way to get out of a company quickly is to be someone who is angry all the time, and yelling at people and putting people down. I think if there’s a problem you’re upset about, you need to confront the person in a very civil and calm way and problem solve. What often happens when you lose your temper and get upset with somebody is that, when you walk away, their energy is focused on you and how you treated them rather than what might have been the problem that ignited you. I have also said a number of times that we seem to be nicer to strangers very often than we are to people we love and care about. We sometimes take license with people around us, and those are the people we should really reach out and appreciate. So it was interesting—we had forty men today talking about anger, how they deal with anger and where anger comes from. There’s a wonderful story from George Sweeney: A student said, “I lose my temper, but it’s all over in a minute,” And the professor replied, “So was the hydrogen bomb, but think of the damage it produced.”
So take a look at yourself and how you deal with anger. Do you strike out or do you deal with it in a way that can express your feelings so the problem can be resolved?
Last week I had lots of festivities set up around my birthday. It’s really kind of funny—why did I do all this? I invited all my coauthors, as many as could come, to come to our house for a little reception on Tuesday night. Then for the next couple of days we all talked about celebrating simple truths and what we’ve all done together. We talked about our body of work—what it was all about and where was it going in the future. Margie probably summed it up the best when she said it was really about being champions of self worth and individual dignity, and that everything we’ve done is to try to help make people feel important and cared for. And when people feel good about themselves, they produce good results. I think that’s probably a really good message for you as you continue to interact with each other and people at home and work. Every chance you get, ask, “How can I make the world a better place by the moment-to-moment decisions I make as I interact with other human beings, and build up their own sense of self worth?”
I’m really still amazed that the company Margie and I started with some of our friends is 30 years old, and that I’ve been able to do some of the things that I had never thought about before. People told me I couldn’t write—that I should be a college administrator. Zig Ziglar has a wonderful quote: “Regardless of your lot in life, you can build something beautiful on it.” And you know, I didn’t do it all by myself. I think that’s one of the reasons I wanted to invite everybody—because you know, my mother always said, “Why don’t you write a book by yourself?” and I would say, “Mom, I already know what I know.” So I built a wonderful life with the help of tons of people. I love another quote by Woodrow Wilson: “Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” So we not only celebrated what we’ve accomplished together, but also our friendship. It was a special time and I really enjoyed it. Seventy is not a huge number. I have always thought that I wanted to be like Norman Vincent Peale. He died quietly in his sleep at 95. So that means I have another 25 years to go! I just feel great. I was glad I was able to put a bookmark there and take a look at what we’ve done over the years. We also got a chance to get our first copies of Helping People Win at Work: A Business Philosophy called “Don’t Mark My Paper, Help Me Get an A” that Garry Ridge, president of WD-40 Company, and I wrote. And then the first copies of Who Killed Change? which is the book that John Britt wrote with Judd Hoekstra and Pat Zigarmi and me. Everybody was excited to see those.
Somebody once said, “Many things will catch your eye but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those.” I really always tried to pursue things in my heart. Maybe I didn’t always make the best decisions. I could have probably done better writing fewer books and focusing more; we could have done things a little differently, but what’s happened has happened. So my 70th birthday, I think, has just been a celebration of life. We had a wonderful time; it was way beyond my expectations, and fun. I think life, as I’ve said for a long time, is a special occasion. And I don’t intend to miss any of it and I hope you don’t either.
This morning I sat down and wrote a personal note to someone who recently helped me. You know, I have this personal stationery that was specially made and it’s just beautiful. And I thought, you know, I have to learn to use this more. Because just writing this personal note made me feel so good, and I think it’s going to make her feel good to get it. You know, everything is so instant around us nowadays. Everything is done in a fast-forward mode. There’s the EasyPass for our tolls, fast food for our stomach, ATMs and online banking for our finances. There are instant messages and all kinds of other stuff. But I tell you, I still think it’s important to reach out personally to other people. A handwritten note nowadays, when you get one, is just so special. I know when I was recovering from recent surgery what a difference it made for me to get cards from people I work with, with little personal notes on them, that people went out of their way to write. What a special thing. So my thought for today is this: If there are people in your lives that really make a difference to you, reach out to them in a special way. Don’t just email them or telephone them—those are nice and all—but sit down and write them a note to tell them how much you care and appreciate them. I think that would be a wonderful thing for you to do.
We came back home from Tucson recently, and it was a joy to get here. Why? Because Joy was waiting for us—our fuzzy little dog. And you know, more and more I just believe that dogs, particularly puppies and all kinds of other pets, teach about unconditional love. They want a lot of attention but they give you back that unconditional love. She was just so excited to see us. It just kind of lifted up our spirits. I hope this week you will reach out and really hug some people and just tell them how important they are and make them feel like you are really excited to see them. You can even behave a little bit like a dog if you want to. It’s just so wonderful when you get a sense that people really care about you and that you can make a difference in their lives that way. Dogs know how to do that. It’s great to be home.
