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It’s time again to think about New Year’s resolutions. I like to picture myself sitting here one year from today, looking back on 2012 and smiling because I’ve accomplished two or three things that I wanted to accomplish over the year. I’m patting myself on the back!
So what would you like to do between now and then? Now you’re going to obviously have some goals in terms of your job and your organization, but what about you personally? What about your weight? Your exercise? Your health? What about learning a new language, like Spanish or Chinese? What about improving your organizational skills? What about writing something that you’ve wanted to write for a long time? What would really make you feel good if you accomplished it by the end of next year?
It’s great to write out your resolutions as SMART goals. Be Specific on what you want so that it’s observable and measurable. M stands for motivational—make sure it’s something that excites you. Is it Attainable? Don’t set some unrealistic goal that there’s no chance you’ll accomplish. Make sure your goal is Relevant and important to you. And have a goal that is Trackable, which means you can chart it over time so you can catch yourself doing things approximately right and see yourself making progress.
I have found that I do best on New Year’s Resolutions if I share them with my wife Margie and people at work, and anybody else who is around me, so they can help and support me. We all need an accountability group to help set ourselves up for success.
So in the next few days I’ll be thinking more about what I would like to accomplish that’s going to make me feel good. What would you like to do? How do you want 2012 to go for you? Let’s see if we can help each other keep our commitment to our commitment. So often New Year’s Resolutions are just announcements. Don’t just announce it; really make it happen! And good on you for 2012!
Lastly, I’ve posted a few of my resolutions for 2012… take a read, and let everyone know a few of your own! http://howwelead.org/resolutions/
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This coming week is the week people can really get stressed out if they work on it. We’re rapidly approaching the heart of the holiday season. Hanukkah begins on December 21st and runs through the 28th, Christmas is coming up next Sunday the 25th, and then Kwanzaa begins on the 26th. It can be a busy and stressful time, with all of the celebrations, traveling and gift-giving attached to the holidays. We all need to keep a sense of humor and laugh and enjoy this time of year. Don’t knock somebody down trying to get into a parking space. Remember, this is the time to feel the spirit of love and appreciation and thankfulness. Keep things in perspective as you go along—even if you don’t get all of the shopping done that you expected to. It’s a special and meaningful time. Reach out and give somebody a hug and tell them that you love them—that’s probably the most important gift.
I came across a wonderful quote by Henri Nouwen. He was a Catholic Priest from Canada who spent much of his life ministering to the less fortunate and he has written some great things over the years. Just listen to this as a way to think of this holiday season:
“More and more the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, sit up on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have time to practice the simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, and to be a part of some impressive project is so strong, that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans; not to organize people around an urgent cause; not to feel that you are working directly with social progress—but I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and to tell your own. To let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them but you really love them.”
Isn’t that wonderful? I think that we get busy with work, busy with shopping, and aren’t practicing the whole wonderful ministry of presence—simply being present with people we care about. So today and throughout the holidays, consider the idea of just being present with each other. Maybe what you ought to be doing first is to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own. Let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, you truly love them. I think that’s what the holiday season is all about. Take care.
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In last week’s blog, I started telling you about an effective model you can use to achieve balance so you can enjoy your life more and resist stress. The acronym for the PACT model stands for Perspective, Autonomy, Connectedness, and Tone. Adopting this model and putting it into practice on a daily basis is a fabulous way to keep your stress level in check and keep your work and life in balance—the ultimate goal being a happier and more peaceful day-to-day existence. Who wouldn’t want that?
We started last week with P: Perspective. Keeping good and bad experiences in perspective can contribute greatly to a feeling of well-being and help your stress level remain low.
A: Autonomy
The next element that contributes to peak periods of happiness and high stress resistance is autonomy. Autonomy is a feeling of having control over your own life. People with a high sense of autonomy usually have a clear sense of their own identity, feel the freedom to make choices in their lives, have career or job options and sufficient skills, and see their daily activities as moving them toward their long- and short-range goals. If we ask individuals a single question—Are you in control of your life?—and they answer “no,” we know that those individuals are at a much higher risk for illness.
The lack of power and control felt by those who are underprivileged, really struggling to make ends meet, in a situation where there is racial or sexual discrimination occurring, or simply stretched to their limits in terms of workload, is the very opposite of autonomy and control. People who feel powerless are under the most stress and are often the most angry. These people often have the most severe health problems of any group in our society.
On the other hand, people who are good time managers, who feel that they are managing their daily lives well and have the skills to do it, are the ones who are likely to feel the most control and the most autonomy. In their stories of peak periods of happiness, these people often referred to two or three weeks or a month when they were in a special place and they could decide what it was that they were going to do each day. Others referred to a job they had or a project they were working on where they could choose the direction in which they were going and felt in control of the situation.
Clearly, most people can’t go through life on a vacation or in complete control of everything—but certainly a young mother with two toddlers running around and no money for a babysitter has a different degree of autonomy than a young mother whose youngest child has just entered the first grade. The latter may have six open hours for deciding how to spend her time. Is she going to play tennis or sleep until 10:00 a.m., take a class to further a career goal, or start a part-time job? What is her choice for today?
One of the most powerful ways to build control and choice in your life is through the development of key skills—skills like knowing how to manage others effectively, being a good parent, managing your time well, or helping people feel like they are doing their jobs well. Again, people often have different degrees of autonomy at home and at work. Some people do very well at the office—they set goals, hold committee meetings, participate in performance reviews, and they progress well. At home, however, they never have time to exercise, break appointments with themselves and other family members for scheduled “quality time,” or they might have half-finished projects around the house they have been putting off for years.
C: Connectedness
The third ingredient in stress resistance and high life satisfaction is connectedness. Connectedness relates to the quality of relationships in peoples’ lives. People who report high connectedness often feel they have positive relationships with friends, family, self, coworkers and supervisors. Connectedness also relates to a feeling of contentment and resonance with one’s physical environment. You can have a highly connected experience watching a beautiful sunset or walking into a home that you’ve decorated because it feels good to you. In fact, there are good reasons for people, when they first move into a home or a new community, to spend time decorating that new environment so that they feel more connected to it. You can have a highly connected experience having a cup of coffee with a friend or sitting in bed at night cuddled up to a loved one.
My definition of low connectedness is when you do not feel you are an integral part of your environment. For example, if you move to a new community and go away for the weekend, then return and find that nobody knows that you were gone and came back, it can be an indicator that you are not very connected to your neighborhood. In fact, after a move most people feel totally disconnected and many people report a great deal of illness during the year following a major relocation.
In their stories of peak periods of happiness, people often referred back to a time when they were first married and didn’t have much money and so did more things at home, such as played a lot of bridge because that was all they could afford to do. Often, however, their friendships were solid and meaningful. Men often referred back to fraternity days in college or to a high school group of friends when connections were strong and non-competitive.
All types of relationships you have affect your connectedness, but the most important relationships are those with your spouse and your boss. In fact, the number one predictor of health at the worksite is your relationship with your boss. A bad relationship with a supervisor can make people sick. A good relationship can enhance a feeling of overall well-being and productivity. On the home front, are you spending quality time with your spouse? Do you make special efforts to plan “memory-building” times together? In general, have you spent the time that you need to nourish the most important relationships in your life?
T: Tone
The fourth element in the PACT model is tone. This important concept includes how you feel about yourself physically. This includes the way you look, your health and energy level, your sense of fitness, even the way you are dressed and the colors you are wearing. People with high tone generally have high energy levels, maintain a proper weight, have sound nutrition and feel really good about their physical appearance. In their stories of peak periods of happiness men very often thought back to high school or college when they were in the best shape they had ever been in—easily able to bench press 300 pounds or run several miles. Women often talked about the time when they were 10 pounds lighter and could fit into all the clothes in their closet. Generally both men and women talked about a time when they were active, looked good, had an abundance of energy, and paid attention to their physical health.
Over the years I’ve found that when everything else seems to be floundering and I feel my balance is slipping away, often the quickest and easiest ingredient to impact is tone. Tone is often easiest because it lends itself better to measurement and you can see concrete results more quickly.
Balancing the Elements
What has been helpful to me about this model is that the elements of perspective, autonomy, connectedness, and tone can be a dynamic balance for one another. As an example, what do we do in our society when someone becomes ill or injured and is hospitalized? By definition, their physical health (tone) is low now. So what do we do? Customarily we send this person a card. What might the card say? We care about you (connectedness). This won’t last forever (perspective). Soon you’ll be up and about (tone) doing what you want to do (autonomy). We may even send flowers to help him or her connect better to a sterile hospital room.
Why I like the PACT is it helps. It’s like a good diet. It will work even better for you as you personalize it and make it yours. I have used this model for many years now to keep my own life in balance and monitor the times when balance isn’t present. If I notice I’m not looking forward to a given day or time, or I feel my energy is lagging, I try to step back and ask myself: What’s feeling out of balance? Am I so over-committed or over-stressed that I’m doing what everyone else wants me to do today without any time for myself? Or am I upset about a relationship with someone close to me? Or does my house feel untidy with lots of undone tasks and thus doesn’t provide a nourishing harbor from the stormy world? Or have I lost track of what all my efforts are for? Or am I confused about why I’m working 12 hours today and worked 12 hours yesterday and don’t have time to see the people I love?
The PACT model has helped me, and it can help you, identify what’s wrong when you’re feeling out of balance and pay more attention to life when you are feeling great. When your life is in balance, stress naturally loses its grip and you are able to enjoy life on a higher level.
Even though most of us know about the need to have balance in our lives, the journey from knowing it to actually doing it isn’t easy. Looking at our lives with the help of a model we can use and reuse can be a great way to keep stress at bay and help us achieve the work/life balance we need.
The model I’m referring to was drawn from a study about peak periods of happiness in people’s lives, as well as various studies of the effect of stress upon health. Researchers were looking for common elements that explained the phenomena of stress survival or optimal well being. They hoped that such identification could lead to prevention of strain caused by excess stress and a model for improving well being.
Peak Periods of Happiness
In this study, people were asked to describe a three-week or longer “peak period of happiness” in their lives—a time when they felt that life was truly worth living. Ask yourself: When was the happiest period of time in my life? When did I feel that life was the most fun, the most meaningful, the most alive? Where was I? What was I doing? Who was I with? A researcher named Herbert Shepard asked people these questions. As he collected several hundred interviews, he began to notice that there were common elements in the lives of people as they remembered and described these wonderful periods of time.
The Impact of Stress
The other studies are about the impact of stress in a person’s life. After studying people who had experienced a number of stressful events over the course of a 12-month period of time, researchers found that 80 percent of such highly stressed individuals developed a physical illness within the next 12 months. The conclusion was that illnesses such as diabetes, ulcers, cancer, and heart disease quite often follow a very stressful period of time in a person’s life.
The other side of this research is interesting as well. Researchers asked: Why did the other 20 percent of those highly stressed individuals not get sick? What is happening in their lives that is enabling them to remain stress-resistant, or “psychologically hardy”? Interviews with these stress-resistant people revealed that they had some important common ingredients in their lives. Such “stress survivors” survived 12 months of frequent and/or intense stress-inducing life events without becoming seriously ill during, or one year following, the onslaught of high stress.
As luck would have it, not only were the researchers able to identify the elements related to both peak periods of happiness and stress survival, but the two sets of elements were also found to be fundamentally similar to one another. When I studied this research , the similarity of the results of the two investigations confirmed the my feeling that a simple model for life balance and satisfaction would enable many of us to better manage the day-to-day options and demands of a busy life.
The PACT Model
For convenience, I’ll be referring to four elements—Perspective, Autonomy, Connectedness, and Tone—as the PACT model of life balance and satisfaction. The remainder of this article will explain these four key concepts and suggest how to achieve a balance among these elements.
P: Perspective
The first element that can create both happiness and stress resistance in your life is perspective. Perspective can be defined as the “big picture” of life. People with good perspective know their purpose and direction in life and value their past experiences while still having a keen sense of the present moment. Perspective is that broad picture of where you’ve been and where you’re going that sets the context for this moment and for today.
An example of perspective for me has always been Viktor Frankl. Frankl was a World War II concentration camp survivor who wrote the book Man’s Search for Meaning. When Frankl was first imprisoned, his captors burned the only copy of a prized manuscript he had written, right in front of him. As a result, his main purpose in life became to live through that horrible experience and rewrite his manuscript. It turned into an obsession. While in this camp, he observed that, in this most degrading of all human situations, some people managed to keep going and survive, but others seemed to lose their will to continue—one day they would refuse to get out of bed in the morning and two weeks later they would be dead. Frankl’s observation was that the people who were able to keep going month after month and year after year were the ones who had a purpose in their lives they could hang on to—a great love they wanted to return to, work they felt compelled to finish, a strong spiritual direction, or even a strong desire to get through each day and help others through the dreadful experience.
For each of us, perspective can translate into goals we want to achieve, values we want our lives to reflect, or a sense of living each day as if it might be our last. It’s helpful to think about perspective at home and perspective at work. Some of us have a very good idea of our work goals—our professional direction in life—but our personal life needs some thinking about. For others it’s just the opposite—we do well at home, but our career goals are uncertain. For many people, the challenge is keeping a balance between work and home that is comfortable and at the same time allows them to obtain goals in both worlds.
Any time there’s a big change in our lives, our perspective is liable to drop. Certainly a person going through a divorce, a person who has just been fired, or someone who has to make a major change in his or her life for any reason may be going through a period of low perspective. Most people, however, ultimately find that this period of low perspective becomes an opportunity for growth in their lives, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable or familiar.
Next week: Part 2 – Autonomy, Connectedness, and Tone
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I had a wonderful time recently, playing in a charity golf tournament with coworkers Steve Murphy, Randy Conley, and Brent Bystedt. It was really a lot of fun; we played a scramble.
One of the things it reminded me of—and this is so important to Colleen Barrett and Herb Kelleher at Southwest—is you really have fun in life and do well when you take what you do seriously, but yourself lightly. That was really evident as we were playing golf. We were trying to do the best we can, but we were laughing and enjoying ourselves. I don’t think there’s anybody who is more fun to be around than Steve Murphy. He’s one of our great consulting partners and he is absolutely fun. He takes what he does seriously but himself lightly, and I think that’s what endears him to clients. Read the rest of this entry »
I recently saw a wonderful piece about “If I Had My Life to Live Over.” I thought it was worth sharing with you. It’s from the late Nadine Stair of Louisville, Kentucky, who wrote it when she was 85 years old:
If I had my life to live over again,
I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.
I’d relax.
I’d limber up. Read the rest of this entry »
At the ASTD conference in Chicago recently, Colleen Barrett made a really interesting point in the session we did together. She said at Southwest, they want to make sure that their customer service is as good internally as it is externally. They believe in the Golden Rule—treating people the way you would like to be treated. One of the things we talked about is that it’s amazing how people will treat strangers or customers better than they would treat people they love or people who are coworkers. Read the rest of this entry »
Recently I spent some time with Tom Crum and his daughter, Alia. Tom’s a good buddy of ours and is an Aikido expert. He wrote a wonderful book called Three Deep Breaths. I think I probably have shared these at some point but they are worth repeating… You know, as you head off any day in the car – I think the car is a wonderful place to quiet yourself if you don’t listen to the radio.
The first breath is the Centering Breath – you just breathe in, into your center right below your belly button. Just center yourself and feel your breath. Read the rest of this entry »
In San Diego we’re in the middle of a six-month “Season of Service” movement with businesses, civic agencies, and churches all pitching in with community volunteers to serve others. For years I’ve been dreaming about how we can make San Diego a servant leadership town – how in the near future people will come here and say, “What an amazing place to live—just look at the way government and business and education and neighborhoods interact – everyone seems to be out to serve each other and solve problems, not to be self serving.”
My larger dream is that leadership throughout the world will be composed of people who lead at a higher level and, in the process, serve first and lead second. That’s a really tall order, and I might sound like a dreamer. But read this wonderful quote from Harriet Tubman:
“Every great dream begins with a dreamer.
Always remember, you have within you
the strength, the patience, and the passion
to reach for the stars to change the world.”
Why not? What do you want to do to change the world? Remember, you can do it by the moment-to-moment interactions with your family, your friends, your colleagues, and everyone you meet. What’s your dream for changing the world? Go ahead, be a dreamer!
I just heard a very interesting theory about the Golden Rule, which is in almost every faith–you know, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s about loving your neighbor as much as you love yourself. This theory was that you can’t really love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself. If you don’t feel positive about yourself, then it’s pretty hard for you to reach out and be positive to other people.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” There was a story about a woman who journeyed for miles with her son to have an audience with Gandhi. She said, “Would you help my son? He eats too much sugar.” And Gandhi told her to come back in a week. She couldn’t quite understand that, but they trekked all the way home and came back the next week. They then sat with Gandhi and he told her son to stop eating so much sugar. She said, “Why couldn’t you have told him that a week ago?” And Gandhi said, “Because I was eating too much sugar myself at that time.” Ha!
The other thing that’s really interesting is that if you feel good about yourself, it makes other people around you feel good. And if they feel good, they send those vibes back to you and they kind of multiply. Norman Vincent Peale said, “Every day you have a choice. You can feel good about yourself or you can feel lousy. Why would you want to choose the latter?” If you feel good about yourself, then you’re able to reach out and help others. Helping others is about happiness. The more we reach out and help other people, the happier we get. In fact, most of the time helping other people makes you feel better than if you were doing something for yourself.
So take care of yourself. If you do that, then you can take care of other people. It all starts at home. Confucius said, “It’s self, family, neighborhood, state.” If you want to create a great nation, a great state, you’ve got to start with yourself. So when you’re discouraged, remember that the change we want to see in the world has to begin with ourselves. Be good to yourself.
